Disclaimer
This article is not in any way targeted at any individual or group of persons, it is merely a realistic view of the society. This article is also not meant to slander any religion or reduce the very existence of God, this article seeks to expose merchants and whore-mongers that use HIS name to rob innocent folks.
Prelude
The very nation of Nigeria is full of pastors, bishops, reverends and so many Christian religious title that I can’t even remember them all, we have heard and seen some of the ridiculous things these people do to their followers on a daily basis, I on the other have been in the mental chain some of these people use and have watched from an experience point what it means first hand, to experience mental slavery. Wait! This article is not about my experience, rather it’s a look at how easy it is to make being a pastor a day job in Nigeria and make money, who doesn’t want that, right? So let’s get to it. Before we start, it is important to point out that there are genuine ministers of God out there, they are the ones who inspired me to write this. Now that the shenanigans are out of the way, we can begin.
JOIN A CHURCH
Obviously you can’t be a pastor if you don’t attend a church, this will give you false credibility but, who cares? Most people in church are like you anyways, they enjoy the pretense and you are just joining the club. Make sure you join the workers, attend every program and get close to the pastor. It doesn’t matter if you are not born again just feign good behaviour and the pastor will love you. Start lobbying for the chance to lead prayer sessions and little speaking time, the point is to begin to gather influence amongst the members so that when you want to leave they will follow you. When you have gathered enough clout, start a fight with the pastor and watch your loyalist follow you. You can even tell them that “God” asked you to move, a discerning pastor will see through you but, your followers can’t. They will believe you and ignore the man, some might even hate him. Around here, the truth is hardly believed and lies reign supreme, we like it that way. The truth is overrated around here and lies are celebrated.
READ MOTIVATIONAL BOOKS
Naturally people in Nigeria need answers, it’s no surprise because of the collective ineptitude of our leaders, they will listen to anyone that promise success with inspiring stories and clichés that even sound very unreasonable when people think about it but, it doesn’t matter, nobody thinks around here, they just listen and let people like you think for them which is good for business. You don’t even have to read the bible too much, it complicates things when you say this and the bible is contradicting it. Read so many books from Brian Tracy, John Maxwell and so on. The idea is to gather as much success stories as possible so you can share on the altar. They would love you for that and say that “our pastor is inspiring” which is good because more people will come. When more people come, more money come and so on and so forth.
LEARN PUBLIC SPEAKING AND ELOCUTION
The trick here is to learn the skill to be able to speak and cajole people with your voice and delivery, the trick here is to sound very international in the delivery of your words and motivation. It comes handy when you are trying to convince them to give or donate to the ministry; people are most likely going to give their money to a sweet talker. The idea is to promise enough and deliver very little, you can even say God commanded you to say so, your principal weapon is your mouth make sure yours is trained in the art of convincing, make sure you attach a blessing to every gift they give. Who wouldn’t believe? You are the pastor and people believe the pastor more than God. They will believe you so much that if you say they should eat grass, grass will be as delicious as Iyan and gbegiri soup, such is thy power thou pastor so, so and so, you get the picture.
PACKAGING! PACKAGING! PACKAGING!
If you want to make it big as a pastor here in Nigeria, always package yourself. Failure to do this will truncate your hustle as Elnathan John would say, and you don’t want that. Make mountains out of mole hills, exaggerate a lot, wear expensive clothes and lie about traveling abroad, if possible get a nice hotel and rent it as location for your church. People gravitate towards what they can’t have, they will worship you like a god and even give you money to continue living the life, isn’t it ironic that the only reason you wear expensive cloths is because of the money they give you yet, they continue to give you more so that they can live the kind of life you are living. Don’t worry, not a lot people think around here. However, be careful not to overdo it so people won’t start noticing, if they do things could get very ugly, very fast, just ask our dear reverend. So whatever you do, package it very well. If not, you won’t attract the kind of crowd you want, the enterprising youths, bored rich people and most importantly, corrupt politicians, these are your target market I mean members if you catch my drift.
PATRONISE POLITICIANS
The Nigerian politician is a curious breed, they always seek religious validation for their corrupt practices. Therein lies your opportunity, release a prophecy about the governor and release it to the papers, they have people monitoring that. They will surely contact you and if they don’t? Organize a program and invite them, make them the chairman and sing their praises when they come, did I hear you say ‘he is corrupt’, those are the ones you need. They are more liable to release public funds in the name of God than do their constitutional duties, they are nice like that. When they come, reserve only the best seats for them. The real members can sit at the back and watch, they are not rich enough to sit there. If they get arrested for misdeeds, say it is the work of the opposition, pressurize authorities for them to be released. Start a mega project and invite them, you’d be surprised how much you would realize in profits. When they leave office or are convicted, abandon them and move on to the next government. Your allegiance must always be to the government in power, if you are lucky they might even give you an appointment meaning you can directly steal from the pot under a religious board or whatever agency they decide to name it. Don’t worry, the church members won’t get angry, in fact they would celebrate the “Grace of God” in your life. They will defend you to the end, and make excuses for you, just keep dropping “Motivational rhema”. You are beginning to make it at this stage, just look around you there are examples all around. People around here celebrate mediocrity and disregard excellence, you are just feeding on the ignorance.
BUILD A UNIVERSITY
The very peak of pastoral success in Nigeria is to build a university, it’s easy really. Start it as a church project and extort your members. They will gladly do it for you o man of god, ask for donations from your political friends and watch them donate in a frenzy. On the day of commissioning, invite your politician friends and increase security for the event so much that regular church members won’t be able to get to the venue. Make the school fees unaffordable for your members, the money will continue to flow in. Now the money of every rich man will begin to flow to you via your school, isn’t this great? Your wealth is set for life, except for the devil creeping in and even that has an antidote, a juju man is easy to find. Very well, you can now begin to add to your title, something like Apostle, Dr. Pastor, Prophet, Bishop, Reverend, Evangelist and so on just to establish your own self-importance and satisfy your African title mentality.
CLOSING
You are now a big pastor, your name is always in the papers and people worship you more than the God you profess to serve. The private jets keep rolling in and the fast cars move in. The sermons are full of establishment of your own personal self-worth and the people love it. At this time, you can decide to buy a large expanse of land and establish your own city. Your eminence is well celebrated thanks to the gullibility of the followers.
The word of the bible is forgotten on the pulpit and we celebrate wealth over wisdom, cash over character and title over substance. Such is how to become a pastor in Nigeria, if you doubt me just look around and see examples of acts such as these. As for me, well, I am just an amateur satirist.
Ajayi is on Twitter @AjayiSamuel92
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